This entry is presented to you by the letter L for LOSER

If you started the year 2009 with a new job or you have just been promoted in your office then you must be so proud. If you started this year with a newly found partner who loves you so much then you must be lying on rose petals right now. If you think you started this year with a lot of compliments then you must be adorable. But if you will ask me how i started this year? you might just end up finding yourself to be very lucky. I am a happy guy, for me laughter is the best gift that we could ever have, i'm the guy who always makes people laugh, but of course im not everybody's cup of tea, thats why i always hang out with people who has the same level of insanity as i do, to avoid misconceptions and misinterpretations. I love those people who laughs a lot and make me laugh too, but laughter always has an opposite side. All of us have its own problem in life and i know that there are bigger things that is happening to someone else right now and they're probably still crying and hoping for a better life, they somehow feel like its the end of the world and they only got a few hours to live, mine is not like that but i just want to share it here. Count your blessings and not the bad things happening to you, well, i already did, and somewhat i have several, Im lucky that im still breathing, i have a very supportive family, i have some good friends and i still have some money to spend after i quit my job and i am grateful that i still have them until now. But what i couldnt understand is whats happening to my life at the beggining of this year, I tried to laugh about it but somehow its kinda unbearable, i dont know if im just being so paranoid or someone just placed a curse on me, maybe its one of those text message or email that says "if you dont pass this to 12 people, you will have a bad luck for 1 year", coz i usually ignore that, i dont know, i dont want to lose my mind because of that, or maybe i just noticed the bad things that is happening to me and i am thinking about it too much...anyway, It started on the 2nd day of the year, It has not yet passed 15 days when i officially lost the very love of my life, we tried to save our relationship and fix the problem but the decision has already made, my heart was crushed when i was asked to leave and it really hurts straight to my chest and into my heart, simply because i dont want to go, i still want to be with him, i dont want to lose him, but how can i stay with someone who doesnt want me around anymore, he told me that its better that way, so even though its really painful, i just accepted the fact that it is over and i cant really do anything about it and i should move on, only time will tell if we're really meant for each other, i'm happy that we're still friends, but i will truly miss him so much. Forgiveness went to its rightful place and after that i just put in to my mind my favorite line, that i should be nice even things goes the wrong way. I managed myself to stay calm after a few days, atleast now i know where i should stand..."think positive, think positive", i always remind myself, thats the morphine of your soul, that will make you stronger, dont be bothered by the things that is happening to you that makes you weak and distracted, be rational. To make myself feel better i just spend my time with some of my friends so that i wont feel the aftermath so much, laughter is always the best medicine, i still prescribe it, and i took a huge amount of it, i was high and crazy, all i see are bright colors flashing before my eyes, i was enjoying my time and trying to forget all the shit and stuff that made me feel bad...but suddenly, without any warning, it was brushed off by an intense black color of sadness again...One night I hang out with two of my good friends in a bar, i was happy and surprised because one of them seldom hang out with us and he was there, but i noticed that he had a big change of attitude towards me, i just dont have any idea what came to him...Prior to that, as i recall, he is certainly a nice guy without a doubt when i first met him and eventually we became good friends, we usually communicate almost eveyrday, everything was completely fine, until one day he just stopped talking to me, i asked some of my friends if they have heard anything from him, but non of them knows, until one day a common friend of ours told me that he stopped communicating because i am being posessive and he doesnt like that...I just dont know where that idea come from, what is posessive anyway? is it when you text someone a joke everyday? is it when you politely asked someone to call you, in case theyre are not busy and feel like talking? is it when you asked someone to hang out along with your friends?...OK my bitterness gauge is pumping 120kph, i should slowly pull over...A couple of weeks have passed and he seldom text me, he doesnt even answer my call, i just felt like theres a big distance, its like theres a thick high stiffed wall between us that i need to climb first before i could hear from him. Going back to that night, i just find out that he usually communicate with one of my close friend, im not jealous, no reason why i should be, somewhat i..am...hmmm...kinda...curious, especially the way he acted that night, thats what i have in mind. The three of us were still together and greeted the morning sky, i took my chance and i confronted him, i asked him why he became so cold to me, i asked him whats this sudden change all about, but my ears did not hear any serious answer, i admit it hurts, I'll ask you this, how would you feel if you have a friend beside you but makes you feel he doesnt want to talk to you or even look at you? how would you feel if you asked him for a chat but he refused and told you that he rather listen to a music? How would you feel if you thank a friend for a nice day but did not even respond to you and you find out that he respond to your other friend? Funny?...yeah right! My door is always open for him if he still wants to be friends with me, even though he treated me that way i forgive him and just like what i did when i lost my partner, i just accepted the fact and just think positive, be nice even if things goes the wrong way, bla bla bla, bla bla bla...just have fun and enjoy life, so i took a heavy dosage of laughter again after that...and i think i have taken a lot this time, because right now i am very ill, i am suffering from flu, fever and an irritating runny nose, i already took my medicines, im eating ponkan and taking a lot of water and after this i'll have a nice bed rest and how i wish i could dream of something wonderful...ill rest my head now and hoping tomorrow will be a good day for me and for us all...you must be putting your hand on your forehead right now forming a big letter L using your fingers? I'm a LOSER i know, big time, youre not the first one who said that. Somehow i thought that maybe im exaggerating things, placing some big meanings to it that would hurt me, im being paranoid, but i wish someone would told me if i really am and if i need professional help.