Hanggang sa Pagtilaok ng Manok

Alas quatro na ng madaling araw at gising pa din ako, anak ng puta hindi ako dalawin ng antok, pinatay ko na nga ang computer ko kaninang alas dos para matulog kaso hindi pa din ako inaantok at kung ano ano pa ang naiisip ko, ayokong masayang lahat ng iyon kaya ito naisipan ko nalang magsulat at baka sakaling dalawin ako ng antok...Inabot ako ng alas dos kasi madalas kong pinapraktis ang pagdi-digital painting ngayon gamit ang adobe photoshop bago ako matulog, nagsimula akong magself-study noong last quarter ng 2008, pinapanood ko ang mga super galing na artist sa youtube at meron din silang mga site na pwede mong kuhanan ng style at idea, meron din silang mga tutorials kung paano gumawa ng digital painting, natutuwa ako kasi sine-share nila ang talents nila as an artist...iilan pa lang naman ang nagagawa ko at talagang hindi pa pulido kasi hindi pa ako sanay, lalo na ngayong wala akong hi-speed internet at hindi ako makapanood ng youtube pukingina...anyway, kanina lang nagiisip ako ng pwede kong gawin, sketch lang ako ng sketch gamit ang aking mumurahing digital pen ay nakabuo ako ng robot, bigla kong naisip na yung robot parang si Pinocchio, pero wala siyang ilong, so isipin mo nalang kung anong humahaba sa kanya kapag nagsisinungaling siya. Dahil nabanggit ko na din si Pinocchio, naisip ko din kanina (at naikalat ko na sa text to) na ano nga kaya kung ang lahat ng tao ay parang si Pinocchio na tuwing magsisinungaling tayo ay humahaba ang ilong natin, tuwang tuwa siguro ang mga pinanganak na pango, ang dami sigurong mga nangangaliwa sa asawa na matangos ang ilong, malamang ang mga lawyers matatangos din ang ilong at lalo na ang mga politiko, ang may pinakamatangos na ilong ang siyang pinakasinungaling! paano mo kaya itatago yung ilong mo nun noh? O di kaya naman, kapag nagsisinungaling ang mga tao, nagkakaroon siya ng pigsa sa mukha, yung may mukha na nagnanaknak na sa dami ng nana ay ang pinakasinungaling! yakkk! kadiri! malamang wala ng magsinungaling nun diba? Diyan ako mahina sa pagsisinungaling, hindi ko sinasabing hindi pa ako nagsisinungaling sa buong buhay ko, dahil baka may rebulto na ako kung hindi pa ako nagsisinungaling diba? Nahihirapan kasi akong magdahilan, parang hindi ko kayang itago yung guilty feeling pagkatapos magsinungaling, parang kahit alam kong mapapahamak ako ay sinasabi ko pa din ang totoo, siguro depende sa level ng pagsisinungaling, ayoko din magpanggap dahil pakiramdam ko pagsisinungaling din yun, gaya ng mga taong social climber na pilit na nagpapakasosyal eh wala naman pala...basta as much as possible ayokong magsinungaling dahil sa lahat ng ayaw ko ay yung mga sinungaling! Humaba sana mga ilong niyo! toinks!

Kagabi naman habang naglalakad ako sa palengke ng munoz at bitbit ang tatlong mabibigat na bag ay naisip ko ito...ang tao kapag nakakaramdam ng pag-ibig ay parang nakakaramdam din ng pagtae, hindi mo alam kung kailan ka aabutan, bigla mo nalang mararamdaman, pilit mo man itago, mapapansin din, pilit mo man pigilan lalabas at lalabas pa din, hindi ko naisip yun dahil natatae ako, siguro dahil naaalala ko ang crush ko, sabi ko sa sarili ko na ang swerte swerte niya at may nagkakagusto sa kanya, samantalang ako parang cellphone na walang load, zero balance, dapat talaga pinapasalamatan natin ang mga taong nagkakagusto sa atin, kahit na hindi natin siya gusto, hindi naman kailangan na gustuhin mo din siya, kundi bigyan mo lang ng recognition, pasalamatan mo siya. I thank you, tapos! Pero bakit nga kaya lately napapansin kong parang wala na yatang nagkakagusto sa akin, di ko naman sinasabing madami noon, pero ngayon as in wala eh, o di lang ko lang talaga feel na maghanap, parang wala din kasi akong gana, ewan ko ba kung bakit, parang masarap nalang tumambay at magulat na bigla nalang may maga-appear sa kawalan na gusto ka at gusto mo din siya, mas exciting yun diba? kaya parang mas feel ko pang magsulat ng blogs, pero meron kasi akong natipuhan sa friendster at sinulatan ko, ayaw ko na nga sanang sulatan pero hindi ako nakapagpigil dahil ang kyut kyut nya sobra, so nagbakasakali na din ako, noong linggo ko pa siya sinulatan, excited ako dahil baka sumagot, lumipas ang ilang araw wala pa din, ngunit kahapon pag-check ko nakita ko na nagview lang siya sa akin tapos hindi man lang sumagot sa sulat ko, paksyet! naiisip ko tuloy malamang hindi niya ako feel, hindi niya tipo ang beauty ko, bakit nga kaya? dahil ba sa way ng pagsulat ko? sobrang simple na nga lang eh nung sinulat ko eh, o baka naman sa itsura ko talaga, o di kaya dahil sa balbas ko? ang haba haba na kasi ng balbas ko eh, ang kati kati na nga ng mukha ko dahil sa haba ng balbas ko ngayon, mukha na akong nagpa-five six, pwede na akong pagkamalang terorista, siguro half-inch na ang haba bawat hibla, siguro dapat na akong magpabawas ng balbas bukas sa paboritong barbero, ngunit tuwing pinagmamasdan ko ang balbas ko sa salamin ay parang nakakahinayang ipagupit, ang tagal tagal ko kasing pinahaba sabay wala pang 30 minutes ay iikli na ulit sya kapag pinagupitan ko, hindi ko din naman gusto ang wala akong balbas kasi gusto ko yung mukha akong busabos, mukhang taong grasa, mukhang goons sa isang pelikula hehehe, kaya siguro walang nagkakagusto sa akin dahil baka natatakot sila, pero minsan naman may nagsasabi sa akin na mas bagay daw ang may balbas sa akin at mas gwapo daw ako, kahawig ko daw si Tom Cruise sa The Last Samurai, wow, kumusta naman ako dun sa sinabing yun diba? nagblush ako pramis, naglawa ang sahig sa ihi ko dahil sa tuwa, gullible ako eh hehehe! kanya kanya lang sigurong taste noh? pero ang totoong dahilan kaya ako nagbabalbas ay dahil tinatago ko ang mga pimples ko o yung mga marks ng nawalang pimples, ay malamang dahil hindi maganda ang kutis ng fez ko kaya walang nagkakagusto sa akin, paksyet na mga tigyawat kasi to mahal na mahal ako at ayaw pa akong iwan, halos araw araw nalang meron bagong lilitaw, naglilinis naman ako ng mukha pero labas pa din ng labas ang mga putangina! nakakagigil! parang ang sarap kutkutin ng swiss knife! ang dami dami ko ng produktong ginamit na pampawala ng tigyawat eh hindi pa din umaalis...hmmmmm alam ko na, siguro kasi puyat ako ng puyat, sabi nila nakakatigyawat daw yun eh, so siguro tama na ang kakapuyat ko, kaya tama na tong pagsusulat na to at baka tubuan na naman ako ng tigyawat at baka lalong wala ng magkagusto sa akin, ok lang naman ako kahit wala, pana-panahon lang yan, atleast hindi ako sinungaling dahil hindi edited ang mga pictures ko, i'd rather be hated for who i am than to be love for what im not! oh taray diba? nakuha ko lang yan sa isang shout out sa friendster, maganda eh hehehehe! experience ko na munang matulog at ala-sais na ng umaga, naririnig ko na ang mga tilaok ng manok...ciao!

A Few Hours with a Funny Man

Sino bang makakalimot ng kantang "Humanap ka ng pangit" ? sikat na sikat yan noong 90's, halos lahat na yata ng tao sa pinas ay alam yan, ngunit may isang taong gumawa ng counter part ng kantang yan, sabi niya "Maganda ang piliin at para kang nasa langit, kung gusto mo ng pangit wag mo na kaming isabit" at ang taong tinutukoy ko is non other than the funny man Michael V. or also known as Bitoy at kahapon ay nakipagkwentuhan kami sa kanya habang nasa taping kami ng isa niyang show sa TV na Yari Ka! Twice na akong nakasama sa taping nya, nakausap ko na din sya noong last time pero saglit lang, pero this time medyo mas mahaba ang kwentuhan namin, nalaman ko na mahilig din pala siyang maglaro ng computer games at talagang madami siyang alam, mahilig din siya sa mga entertainment system but one thing that i really like about him ay mahilig din siyang mag-collect ng toys at fan sya ng StarWars! Ginagaya pa nga nya yung boses ni Darth Vader at kinuwentuhan pa nya ako tungkol sa The Force Unleashed na game, ang sarap makipagkwentuhan kay Bitoy dahil natural na natural lang siya, hindi nakakailang, parang ka-tropa lang. Iba pala talaga ang feeling ng makasama mo ang isang sikat na artista at makakwentuhan mo pa, hindi ko pinalampas ang pagkakataon, nagpakuha na din ako ng picture after ng taping para naman may souvenir ako, sana makasama ulit ako sa taping nila soon.

Paalam Munting Kaibigan

Nakakahinayang, yan ang unang salitang pumasok sa isip ko noong nakaraan biyernes ng nagpaalam sa amin ang isa naming kapamilya, mabilis ang mga pangyayari at talaga naman nakakagulat, napaka-bata pa niya para mawala dito sa mundo, hindi man lang niya naranasan ang mabuhay na isang ganap na aso. Brixie ang ipinangalan namin sa kanya, kaparehas ng pangalan ng business ng tiyahin ko sapagkat doon siya nanggaling, bukod tanging babae sa tatlo naming alagang aso, anak siya ng isang asong gala, namatay na din ang nanay nila pagkalipas ng ilang linggo matapos silang ipinanganak ng mga kapatid niya, nasagasaan ng sasakyan ang nanay nila, biro nga namin na parang nag-suicide ang nanay nila dahil sa hirap ng buhay at hinintay lang silang magkaroon ng kani-kanilang amo. Halos 4 na buwan na si Brixie sa amin, maganda ang balihibo niya at kung susuriin mong mabuti ay may halo ang kanilang lahi, medyo malalaki din kasi ang mga paa nito. Naalala ko pa ilang araw bago siya pumanaw ay naglalaro pa kami sa kalye, inalis ko siya sa pagkakatali para naman makatakbo-takbo at makapaglaro din siya sa labas kasama ng dalawa pa naming aso, isang tawag mo lang sa pangalan niya ay lalapit na siya, tinuturuan ko pa nga siya noon na mag-SIT, kaso medyo nahihirapan pa siya, isa sa kinaiinisan niya sa paglalaro namin ay kapag ginagawa kong singkit ang kanyang mga mata, ayaw na ayaw niya yun at talaga naman napapakagat siya sa inis. Dahil tuta pa lang si Brixie ay sobrang makulit ito at palaging kumakahol, ang nakakatuwa pa sa kanya ay naiihi siya sa tuwa kapag nakikita na niya ako. Sobrang takaw din niya at madalas ay ibababa ko palang ang kainan niya ay sinusungaban niya kaagad ito at palaging linis ang kanyang kainan, simot lahat ng pagkain niya. Ngunit isang araw ay biglang may hindi magandang nangyari kay Brixie, nakakakain pa naman siya ngunit hindi siya maliksi at hindi na siya madalas kumahol, naisip namin na baka may lagnat lang kaya matamlay, hanggang dumating ang araw na hindi na niya maubos ang pagkain niya, pinainom namin siya ng gamot para gumaling kaagad siya, hinilot hilot din namin ang tiyan niya dahil baka may nakain siyang hindi maganda, naisip din namin na baka nalason siya dahil nagsisimula na siyang magsuka, naaawa ako sa kanya dahil mukhang nahihirapan siya sa kanyang nararamdaman, gusto ko na sana siyang dalhin sa beterinaryo kaso wala naman akong pera ng mga panahon na iyon at tsaka wala sa isip ko na malubha ang sakit niya, habang hinihimas ko ang kanyang ulo at hinihilot ang tiyan niya ay sinabihan ko pa siya na "Gagaling ka Brixie, gagaling ka dahil uminom ka na ng gamot, mamaya lang wala na yan at maglalaro na ulit tayo...gagaling ka, lumaban ka" nilakasan ko na din ang loob ko at hindi ako nagiisip ng hindi maganda, hindi siya mamamatay at lalaki pa siya, magbubuntis pa siya at magkakaroon ng madaming tuta, aalagaan namin lahat ng anak niya at hindi ipamimigay, mararanasan pa niyang maging isang ina, tinitingnan lang niya ako ng pasulyap sulyap tuwing sasambitin ko ng pangalan niya...Iniwan ko muna si Brixie sa kanyang pagkakahiga dahil may kailangan pa din akong gawin, lampas na ng alas-dose ng tanghali ng maalala ko na hindi pa pala ako kumakain at hindi pa din pala nakakakain ang mga aso, kaya naman pagkatapos kong kumain ay hinandaan ko na sila kaagad ng kanilang tanghalian...ngunit pagbukas ko pa lang ng pinto ay napansin kong hindi na humihinga si Brixie at binawian na siya ng buhay, naiinis ako dahil hindi ko siya nadala sa beterinaryo, naiinis ako dahil kung parte sya ng pamilya namin ay dapat hindi siya napabayaan ng ganun at sana buhay pa siya ngayon, sana buhay pa si Brixie namin, sana hindi nangyari ang mga ito, ngunit huli na ang lahat, wala ng magagawa, mamimiss ka namin Brixie, mamimiss kita lalo na yung mga paglalaro natin sa kalye, mamimiss ko ang pagkamatakaw mo at mamimiss ko ang pagkahol mo, paalam munting kaibigan. Isa sa mga nakakalungkot talaga ang mamatayan ng isang alaga, kahit ano pang klaseng alaga yan, inisip ko nalang na talagang ganyan ang buhay, may dumadating at may umaalis at mayroong naiiwan. Isa na namang nakakalungkot na pangyayari ito para sa akin ngayon buwan ng enero 2009, unang buwan pa lang at ang dami dami ng nangyayari sa akin, sunod sunod na lang ang nakakalungkot na entry ko, hindi ko nilalagay sa blogs ko ang mga kwentong ito para manghingi ng awa, hindi ko isinusulat ito upang kumuha ng atensyon sa ibang tao, ginagawa ko ito upang ipamahagi sa inyo ang mga karanasan ko sa buhay at upang sabihin na sa buhay ay hindi lang palaging masaya, palaging may pagsubok, palaging may problema at hindi tayo dapat mapanghinaan ng loob, dapat hindi masyadong nagpaapekto, dapat tuloy lang ang buhay ano pa man ang makaharap mo.

Act of Bravery

It is the moment of truth, i took a very risky decision when i told my bestfriend about my secret, its been more than a year that we've known each other, but now everything has been revealed. It happened three days ago, i went to the office to sort out my last pay, it was dark already when i got there and since i am there already, i asked my bestfriend-officemate to meet me up before he start his shift in our favorite hangout area near the building of my previous work, so i texted him right away and he replied to me that he is on his way, i am very excited to see him again that i almost wet my pants, because its been a while since the last time we see each other, after a few minutes of waiting while listening to some music on my mp3 player, i saw him from a distance, he saw me and im waiting for him to give me his big smile that could launch a thousand skidmarks on my pants but he didnt, on the other hand we did our usual knuckle to knuckle hello and we sit comfortably, the wind is chilling at that time and we decided to order a coffee-all-you-can in a nearby coffee shop, trying to catch up what we missed, we discussed a lot of things like common friends, work and about his recent problem with his family, he is very upset and he wants to tell me about it before, but he couldnt because i wasnt around anymore and that makes him more upset too, i told him that he shouldnt and i am just a phone away if needs someone to talk to, he agreed on that, i tried to make him laugh and luckily i didnt fail, i missed the way he laugh and his smiling face, i gave him some words of comfort and some advices too as a good friend would do. After a few laughs he asked me what will i do this weekend, because he feels like not going home soon after work and he wants to unwind and go somewhere, i reminded him about my friends' overnight swimming party in laguna that i told him before, then with a begging puppy like face, he asked me if he can join around and promised me that he will not be a nuisance, i told him that i just cant bring him along without asking permission, its not my birthday and its invitational and without him knowing the crowd is totally different...i really want him to come, but the consequence is on me. I could read on his face that he already noticed that im hiding something from him because im telling a lot of different reasons, i really hate myself when telling a lie, im really obvious! So i decided to press the help button, i texted the celebrant, which is one of my bestfriend too, i asked what should i do, what else should i say, should i bring him along? then quickly i got a reply that really hit me, he told me its up to me if i want to bring him and tell him the truth, its the only way to find out who are your true friends by accepting who you are...this is it, i said to myself, its been a more than a year, i know him so much and i have a big feeling that he will accept me...First i told him that he can join the swimming party and he is very happy to hear that, and then i told him that he may find hisself out of place because of the crowd that will be there, he asked me why, whats in our group and what is it that he needs to know, I told him that it is very difficult for me to explain, so i asked him if he is an open minded person, i asked him if he is not judgemental and he said "Yes, Im not!" , he cant wait for me to answer his questions because i couldnt find the right words to say so he asked me "does your group worship aliens? is it a cult? tell me now come on, trust me" ...i couldnt open my mouth and i just keep on smiling while looking at him, since that we only have a few minutes because he needs to go to work, i grabbed some air and asked him to walk outside and i will answer all his questions...as soon as we started walking outside, he asked me "Are you all (bleep) in your group? or is it just them? or youre one of them?" ...I stopped walking and moved a few inches away from him, i smiled and said the biggest revelation to my bestfriend, the answer that he's waiting for, the three letter word that changed everything, the secret that i've been hiding from him...and that answer is "YES" ...He smiled and wrapped his arm on my neck and said "its ok...im still your friend and i accept you for who you are" ...but i removed his arm from my shoulder and said " please dont touch me, i feel embarassed because i hide this from you for a long time and you might think i harrassed you in some way before..." i just dont know what the fuck i am saying at that moment...until he placed his arm again on my neck and said "you asked me if im judgemental and now youre the one whos judging me...its ok, stop putting words in my mouth" then i said sorry and explained to him that it is very a risky decision, i told him that i also got scared that he might not like it and stop being friends with me anymore and i dont want to lose him, but good thing that didnt happen. We continued our walk and told him more about me, he even admit to me that he noticed something different about my actions or body movements sometimes but he just ignore it, i told him about the group, i told him about my close friends that he already met and i gave him some details about the swimming party, i asked him if he still wants to come after i told him my secret and he said yes without a single hesitation. We reached the main entrance of the building and told him that i'll just pick him up from the office after his work and go together to the swimming party, i asked him not to tell anyone about my secret and he promised he wont. When we parted my heart is pumping on excitement and couldnt wait to tell my friends about what happened, i have teary eyes when i got inside the cab because of happiness...The following day i picked him up as i promised, we had a short rest at my friends place and went to laguna in the afternoon, he's kinda shocked when he saw my fellow groupmates, i introduced him to some of them and we really enjoyed our time swimming, dancing, singing, chatting and we also had a lot of booze and brandy. We were a bit drink when morning arrived, some of us went to bed and some are just chatting to each other while drinking coffee, then i saw my friend alone in the pool, i approached him and we stayed on the corner of the pool, i told him, "now you know my secret, i probably cant touch you anymore because you might give it a meaning" he look at me and pointed something behind me using his mouth, when i looked what he is pointing i just felt a knuckle hit over my head, it really hurts..."youre being judgemental again, i told you its ok" he said...then he moved near me and asked if i can give him a hand massage, while holding his hand and pulling his thick fingers, i asked him, "now you know what my group is like, now you know what i like...what if i told you that...in some way...ahhhmmm... i like you?" he kept silent for a few sec and then he smiled and said "that i cannot answer" there was silence for a few seconds again because i also dont know what else to say, then he stand up and told me he wants to go to sit somewhere and rest, he asked me to buy cigarettes and i did, but when i went back i already found him snoring on the bed sleeping...I couldnt stop myself thanking him for accepting me and honestly until now i cant get over on what happened, its like a dream come true. Now i have nothing to hide from him, now i can be myself when im with him. That night is not just a night of revelation for me, but also a night of bravery, a night where i found a real friend indeed, its a story of my life worth remembering.

My Old Lovely Toys from the 80's and 90's

This entry is presented to you by the letter L for LOSER

If you started the year 2009 with a new job or you have just been promoted in your office then you must be so proud. If you started this year with a newly found partner who loves you so much then you must be lying on rose petals right now. If you think you started this year with a lot of compliments then you must be adorable. But if you will ask me how i started this year? you might just end up finding yourself to be very lucky. I am a happy guy, for me laughter is the best gift that we could ever have, i'm the guy who always makes people laugh, but of course im not everybody's cup of tea, thats why i always hang out with people who has the same level of insanity as i do, to avoid misconceptions and misinterpretations. I love those people who laughs a lot and make me laugh too, but laughter always has an opposite side. All of us have its own problem in life and i know that there are bigger things that is happening to someone else right now and they're probably still crying and hoping for a better life, they somehow feel like its the end of the world and they only got a few hours to live, mine is not like that but i just want to share it here. Count your blessings and not the bad things happening to you, well, i already did, and somewhat i have several, Im lucky that im still breathing, i have a very supportive family, i have some good friends and i still have some money to spend after i quit my job and i am grateful that i still have them until now. But what i couldnt understand is whats happening to my life at the beggining of this year, I tried to laugh about it but somehow its kinda unbearable, i dont know if im just being so paranoid or someone just placed a curse on me, maybe its one of those text message or email that says "if you dont pass this to 12 people, you will have a bad luck for 1 year", coz i usually ignore that, i dont know, i dont want to lose my mind because of that, or maybe i just noticed the bad things that is happening to me and i am thinking about it too much...anyway, It started on the 2nd day of the year, It has not yet passed 15 days when i officially lost the very love of my life, we tried to save our relationship and fix the problem but the decision has already made, my heart was crushed when i was asked to leave and it really hurts straight to my chest and into my heart, simply because i dont want to go, i still want to be with him, i dont want to lose him, but how can i stay with someone who doesnt want me around anymore, he told me that its better that way, so even though its really painful, i just accepted the fact that it is over and i cant really do anything about it and i should move on, only time will tell if we're really meant for each other, i'm happy that we're still friends, but i will truly miss him so much. Forgiveness went to its rightful place and after that i just put in to my mind my favorite line, that i should be nice even things goes the wrong way. I managed myself to stay calm after a few days, atleast now i know where i should stand..."think positive, think positive", i always remind myself, thats the morphine of your soul, that will make you stronger, dont be bothered by the things that is happening to you that makes you weak and distracted, be rational. To make myself feel better i just spend my time with some of my friends so that i wont feel the aftermath so much, laughter is always the best medicine, i still prescribe it, and i took a huge amount of it, i was high and crazy, all i see are bright colors flashing before my eyes, i was enjoying my time and trying to forget all the shit and stuff that made me feel bad...but suddenly, without any warning, it was brushed off by an intense black color of sadness again...One night I hang out with two of my good friends in a bar, i was happy and surprised because one of them seldom hang out with us and he was there, but i noticed that he had a big change of attitude towards me, i just dont have any idea what came to him...Prior to that, as i recall, he is certainly a nice guy without a doubt when i first met him and eventually we became good friends, we usually communicate almost eveyrday, everything was completely fine, until one day he just stopped talking to me, i asked some of my friends if they have heard anything from him, but non of them knows, until one day a common friend of ours told me that he stopped communicating because i am being posessive and he doesnt like that...I just dont know where that idea come from, what is posessive anyway? is it when you text someone a joke everyday? is it when you politely asked someone to call you, in case theyre are not busy and feel like talking? is it when you asked someone to hang out along with your friends?...OK my bitterness gauge is pumping 120kph, i should slowly pull over...A couple of weeks have passed and he seldom text me, he doesnt even answer my call, i just felt like theres a big distance, its like theres a thick high stiffed wall between us that i need to climb first before i could hear from him. Going back to that night, i just find out that he usually communicate with one of my close friend, im not jealous, no reason why i should be, somewhat i..am...hmmm...kinda...curious, especially the way he acted that night, thats what i have in mind. The three of us were still together and greeted the morning sky, i took my chance and i confronted him, i asked him why he became so cold to me, i asked him whats this sudden change all about, but my ears did not hear any serious answer, i admit it hurts, I'll ask you this, how would you feel if you have a friend beside you but makes you feel he doesnt want to talk to you or even look at you? how would you feel if you asked him for a chat but he refused and told you that he rather listen to a music? How would you feel if you thank a friend for a nice day but did not even respond to you and you find out that he respond to your other friend? Funny?...yeah right! My door is always open for him if he still wants to be friends with me, even though he treated me that way i forgive him and just like what i did when i lost my partner, i just accepted the fact and just think positive, be nice even if things goes the wrong way, bla bla bla, bla bla bla...just have fun and enjoy life, so i took a heavy dosage of laughter again after that...and i think i have taken a lot this time, because right now i am very ill, i am suffering from flu, fever and an irritating runny nose, i already took my medicines, im eating ponkan and taking a lot of water and after this i'll have a nice bed rest and how i wish i could dream of something wonderful...ill rest my head now and hoping tomorrow will be a good day for me and for us all...you must be putting your hand on your forehead right now forming a big letter L using your fingers? I'm a LOSER i know, big time, youre not the first one who said that. Somehow i thought that maybe im exaggerating things, placing some big meanings to it that would hurt me, im being paranoid, but i wish someone would told me if i really am and if i need professional help.

Only time will tell

Kamakailan lang ay nagpaalam na sa akin ang taong madalas magpasaya sa akin, ang taong pinakamahalaga sa akin, ang taong pinakamamahal ko. Napakasakit isipin na hindi ko na siya muling makakapiling, hindi ko na makikita ang maganda niyang ngiti, hindi ko na maririnig ang mga nakakatuwa niyang mga kwento, ang sarap ng mga niluluto niyang pagkain, ang pagli-lipsync nya ng mga kanta, hindi ko na mararamdaman ang mainit niyang yakap, ang malambot niyang labi at pagsabi niya sa akin ng I LOVE YOU BABES. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga masasayang ala-ala namin noong kami'y magkasama pa, hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga bagay na tinuro niya sa akin, hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga lugar na pinuntahan namin, ang lahat ng ito'y magsisilbing kayamanan sa akin. Namimiss ko na siya, namimiss ko na ang lahat ng mga ginagawa namin, namimiss ko na ang pakiramdam na magkasama kami. Hindi na maaaring ibalik ang lahat sa dati, kailangan magpatuloy lang ako, hindi na ako mag-aasam na magkabalikan pa kami dahil baka masktan lang ako kapag hindi nangyari. Sabi nya nga sa akin na ang lahat ng desisyon na 'to ay para sa ikabubuti naming dalawa. Masakit man at talagang nakakadurog puso ngunit kailangan kong tanggapin ang lahat. Mahal na mahal kita at alam mo yan. Patawarin mo ako sa mga nagawa kong mali kagaya ng pagpapatawad ko sa mga nagawa mo sa akin. Masaya ako na napagkasunduan natin na maging magkaibigan tayo, dahil kahit paano ay may pinagsamahan tayo. Hanggang sa muling pagkikita.