am i?

am i not supposed to have what i want?
am i not supposed to have what i need?
what should i do?
where should i place my self?

Before Midnight

Im not a good writer nor good in english either,im also not what you think i am,NO im not the typical tyring hard wannabe person that you usually see in a cafe or in a fancy mall trying to be what they're not.Im just an ordinary guy who's about to tell you a story about Love and a one night stand. I could say that this chapter of my life is one of the Most Wonderful and really memorable.
The story all started out last June 2002,it was an ordinary day,i was left home and no one to talk to,nothing important to do but some household chores.I just finished brooming the floor when i got an sms from someone saying "Hi der" and i dont have any idea who it maybe.I did'nt reply yet,cos i was thinking that it just might be my friend making fool out of me..after a few minutes the stranger sms me again,saying the same thing,thats when i start to make a reply,i asked the stranger who is he and how did he get my number. The stranger told me that he got it from a chatroom called Biggerchat,hes name is Joe and he wants to make friends and maybe meet each other soon,thats when i started to think and become paranoid again,i told him that i dont give up my number to anyone on that chatroom cos i know that it is a US based chatroom and its not worth to give numbers to anyone there.After awhile he called me up,i was unprepared and somehow kinda excited too.So we talked exchanging questions to each other,like where do he live,how old is he and so on...Joe is a Filipino born and raised in the US,he knows a lot about filipino culture but he's not that good in filipino laguage,thats why we had thesed minor difficulty to understand each other so easily. He asked me if i could go out that day and meet him,i said i cant cause i have no budget to go out,thats one big problem from being a pennyless artist,you cant just do things in times that you want to do it.He understand my situation,so we just talk and talk until we run out of words to say.I did sweat a lot coz i dont know how to answer him in english,silly me...i really regret that i did not concentrate on my english class when i was still in school...wheeew!
The next day,Joe is still communicating with me,as i am still replying to him and still have this thought that this guy might be just a hoaks.Coz i still cant believe that a guy from biggerchat is asking me to go out for a date and i dont even remember a thing that i gave my number to anyone there.i confess that i am really a very forgetful guy...not that i want to forget a certain memory,but i think im having a memory problem...anyway,going back to our story.Then days past and we still communicate,still,he is asking me out,but i tried to get to know him first before going out with him...he sounds nice and a funny guy too,but still i dont trust him yet.Then one day i planned to him,with my friends to back me up,just in case hes a fake,i message him on his cellfone asking him how is he and if he can meet me that night on greenbelt along with my friends,but unfortunately,he called me up to say he cant coz he is staying in bacolod with his relatives and he will be coming back to manila like about after 3 or 4 days i think,thats when i started to believe that this guy is for real,the reason that i dont believe him yet is that becos im not used to it,meeting guys!so me and my friends just spend the night chatting and throwing silly jokes outside a coffee shop without ordering something hehehehe!
The time has come,I was on my way home from work when Joe texted me again asking me for the last time if we could still meet up and he finally made me say YES,I find him nice though,so i prepared my self the following day to meet Joe,we planned to meet up at KFC greenbelt which is the only place that i am familiar in that area.I wore a black polo-shirt and a Red curdoroy pants and a black leather shoes,not knowing why i should wear that kind of stuff.eventually i arrived at KFC greenbelt 30 minutes late from the time that we supposed to meet i told him how will he recognize me and he told me too what he is wearing,a BLUE TIMBERLAND shirt...very memorable.I was waiting for him to come,the place is not that crowded i was staring at some people on different views thinking that i might see him first...i think what they say is true that when you someone you really really like, TIME STOPS, everything stops except him and me,i saw him walking to the door,a Cute Bald Sexy Chubby guy with a nice moustache and his complexion is so nice,did i mention that he is SO CUTE? i found myself with an open mouth,all i have in my mind is the three letter word that we usually say when we feel so happy and astonished the word WOW! yes once again i like to write that WOW! WOW! WOW! thats the best word that i can describe Joe,he is a WOW!
We shaked hands and i told him that im really sorry for being late coz i caught up in traffic,i used the usual reason when a someone is late,but its true i really caught in traffic that afternoon,anyway.He asked me where do we want to go,i told him anywhere he like,so we went up at G3 where its my first time to go there,we ordered an iced tea first and chat for a while,i was almost in heaven that time,yes there is a GOD!Joe is 32 that time and i was 23,he works in a 5 star hotel in New Jersey as a Cook,i think he's a Chief Cook if im not mistaken,he knows how to cook filipino delicacies too like pancit and adobo etc.He looks good when he smile,he has a wonderful smile,a smile that makes me weak.He had me at his smile.
After chatting he asked me to watch a movie and i said yes why not...we bought a ticket to "Charlies Angels full throttle" and he let me decide where to sit,i choose the last upper middle last row,aaahh i bet you were thinking why i choose that seat,hehehehehe! then we went inside had our seat and wait for the movie to start,while waiting i was nervous,coz it is so dark there and quiet too,all i could hear is him and me and my heart pumping fast.why am i nervous,coz i dont know what may happen inside the movie house.I dont do first move,coz i dont know how and i am a shy type,Im also scared that a person might say im so FAST if i do the first move.The movie starts,we concentrate a bit on the film and suddenly nature calls,i told him that i need to go to the Loo,He said its ok,inside the loo i was smiling,I guess everybody will smile if he's in my shoes.then i went back and found out that the arm rest that dividing our seat has been lift up,God something will happen,again,God something will happen! My knees bumps into his knees and i just let it touch.then suddenly we hold hands,i hold his Soft cotton-like hands,and he holds mine like we dont want to let go.i look at him and we both smile,after the movie he asked me if we could just go in the hotel he was staying for awhile,i said yes,who would say NO at that time.so he called up his cousin just to check whats going on then we went there...the hotel is so big and nice,gosh i wish i could have my own hotel like this i said to myself,just a silly wishful thinking.we took the lift of course and head straight to their room,no one is there but us,he asked me if i want something to drink,A bottled water would be fine i said,then he went inside the loo.i was waiting and checking out the beautiful cozy room...after a minute he went out..he stand in front of me and we were smiled to each other,suddenly he approached me,so near,i know hes about to kiss me and yes he did,that soft strawberry lips,i could feel his weight above me.....will be continued

another day,another week...dont want to have another year like this!

so much to do so much in pain,yes im still in pain,but still i can laugh i can still smile but deep inside of me i still cry...but nobody knows it except me and my blog,but someday people will find out,they will know why,they will know what is the cause of these unbearable pain. No,im not scarred,im still bleeding,running out of blood,can anyone stop it,can anyone cure me...me myself dont know if there is still a way to make me feel healthy again,make me come back again to my original form...All i know is that the word Jinx just takes its human form into ME! GOSH why is this happening to me? is this a Karma? the more i did something nice,the more it brings me bad luck...or am i wrong? im s confuse,my mind is out,aching,vanishing and whats worse is i cant think of a specific plan anymore...from the soft white clouds that i usually embrace,im falling to the dark abyss of depression and sadness... GOD MAY U HEAR WHAT MY HEART IS LONGING!!!

Sleeping Disorder or cant wait for tomorrow?

its 4am friday,all i can hear is the keyboard that im clicking and me breathing.The place is really quiet,but not peaceful inside my head,im starting to have a sleeping disorder again...i think about many things,things that i like to do for tomorrow,things that im sure will make a difference for me,things that will make my parents my friends so proud of me,things that can make my talents be seen by others,things that will make history...
I tell you what it is,well first is what will be the next painting that i will make,what will be the idea,should it be more about me?should it be about the people around me? should it be about Love?Hatred?Confessions?etc...what will be the topic,what or who should be the main subject,what kind of color should i use,should it be more darker or more lighter?what style and for who will it be?...i still have so many problems to solve,and the biggest cause thats making this problem complicated is because i dont have enough money!!! im not soliciting,thank you!
I tried,i did applied for a stable job,a good job that would help me exercise and use what i have learned in college,but i guess my luck is way TOO far from me right now,there are so many opportunities coming but none of it gave me a chance..yes,i did grab it of course,but still its not for me...and please dont ask me why,cos myself dont even know the answer.
Second is meeting the deadline...i should have a deadline for this crazy project of mine,my plan is to have an exhibit of my own by the month of december or january,so i have to finished all my artworks/paintings by mid-october or november,but how in the name of Michaelangelo Zuce will i do that if i dont have a good job yet...i know im not running out of time,its too early...but i think i should act now or be late...how i wish i could step on a suitecase with a lot of money inside make it a million dollars inside,but it could only happen on movies and in dreamland...well,if that happens,i will still continue my plans and buy myself a studio type house,i dont like big big big house for your info...just a comfortable space that i can put all my works is enough for me and some place to sit and have coffee with someone while watching the sunrise or the sunset with cool breeze etcetera etcetera...
Third,this is the hardest part,the saddest...sigh...is when i think about the one i love,who i dont think if he still loves me still,who i dont think if he still likes me still,but i still believe that someday we will meet each other and we will talk and have a great time again...maybe coffee or have a small drink or have a dinner in a fancy restaurant or just do something that is so fun-filled that both of us will enjoy...or am i dreaming again.sometimes myself tells me that "it will not happen anymore" but i dont like to listen,i still think positive!i convert my depression into a positive energy that could help me achieve my plans!!! yeah my tears dried up,im so fed-up with sadness,though sometimes i cant still help myself...tonight is the night that these plans should be started and must be fulfilled!

when was the last time....

when was the last time someone wrapped his arms around you?
when was the last time someone kissed you passionately?
when was the last time you wake up in the morning and that special someone says "Good Morning Honey,I Love You so much" ?
when was the last time your getting ready to bed and your special someone says "Good Night Honey,I Love You so much"?
when was the last time you hear someone say "I LOVE YOU" to you?

I missed that part...the part of life when someone puts some energy and meaning to your life,someone who gives you strength.